life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
