I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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