ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
