That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
