he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The Olympian is in my bed
I party with great urgency now.
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