Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
