I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
