okay pat passed out under dana's car
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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