is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
a search helicopter?!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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