Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
