Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
