All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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