She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
