i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This is the high leading the old right now
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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