Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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