in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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