do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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