between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
