I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize