A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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