You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
