i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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