new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
