found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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