A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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