I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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