Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize