You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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