I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
