dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
