I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
