I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
