There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
