THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
