im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
