youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
