3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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