There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
