all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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