I am in a vortex of obligation.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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