I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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