She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
