i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
