Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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