he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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