I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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