My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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