jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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