i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
