So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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