last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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