im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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