so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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