dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
