This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My vagina just recognized that song.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
