im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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