Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
