Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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