Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
