My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
