After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
