Need sex. Gaining weight.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I need a beard to bite.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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