guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
