remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
