I cannot find my penis.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize