You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
